The tricky part of being bipolar is that it is extremely hard to catch mania in the present tense. Bipolar by conventional definition leaves one’s mind with only two states of being, manic or depressed. Or more casually stated, happy or sad. While life is more than two emotions, having over ten years of experience with this diagnosis I have begrudgingly come to accept the truth in this simple formulation.
Euthymia: It is a state of quiet satisfaction, a balance of emotions that defeats fears.
For now, I am melancholy. However, the binary outcome of happy or sad for me is rooted in daily thoughts that lead to escapism in my future. Happiness as a frame of mind is not real. Happiness implies a state of being that lasts over a fixed period of time. As creatures inhabited within time and space our only constant is change. Imperfect beings whom naturally believe that if one is not happy, they are sad. Instead of happiness I chose to believe in joy. Joy is fleeting and lasts from moment to moment.
God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. - C.S. Lewis
Present depressive thoughts create an imbalance that my mind overtime overrides with mania. A push toward course correction that overcompensates as an attempt to bring balance to the force: homeostasis. While my present normal is depressive, I envision my future self as manic. The mania I envision is replete with energy and success. Not delusion, paranoia, or misguided beliefs in grandeur.
Philosophically, my mania is induced when my present state normal rejects it’s depressive future. Depression creates a rift between future and present while mania seeks to merge my present with a favorable future. This merge cycles upward discarding depressive thoughts in favor of a manic being.
Depression is circumstantial and something everyone can feel at times, however clinical depression is another subject entirely. Clinically depressed is the bipolar default state. A constant boredom that inflicts all aspects of life surrounding the individual.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. -Morpheus from “The Matrix”
This great sadness compounds with the comparison trap, seeing others achieve in the same space of said boredom. Everyday tasks seem meaningless or trivial, leading us back to the same inevitable lonely corner. To the depressed bipolar, the present is in essence a chore. No current task appearing to change one’s present, we focus on what can be changed, the future.
“Our Great War's a Spiritual War. Our Great Depression is our lives." - Tyler Durden from “Fight Club”
This future is constantly changing based on how we see ourselves in a case-by-case present tense moment. To the maniac, the future is excitingly purposeful. A place where our lives, our decisions, and our opinions matter. A point in time for those witnessing to revel in our genius. I have been a visionary; I have been MANIC.
Mania begins once our future self phases into our present station in life. Visions of the future that for so long felt distant are now within the grasp of short-term “reality”. The dream we have been chasing is finally right in front of our noses but can only be seen with one eye closed. Effectively flying dark without the depth perception necessary to come down with a smooth landing. As if guided by our extended hands reaching for what we can touch but never grasp. A promise just out of reach that when extended for ultimately slips us into a crash that leads to an extreme fall. The Great Sadness.
“That we could get trapped so deep that when we wound up on the shore of our own subconscious we lost sight of what was real.” -Cobb from “Inception”
Contentment in the present is the key philosophy I must master if I am to last this next year of my bipolar life. Personal happiness is what I will constantly struggle with. It’s unfair that others seem to get away with this so easily. It is said that everyone has the same internal struggles, but on paper I have been diagnosed with struggle. I’m lucky in that I have not succumb to suicide in my past depressive states like many others with this disorder. With my distaste for the present, it is no wonder I run from myself using marijuana. Of course, pot effects my anti-psychotic medications. Another tease of this disease.
I recognize now that mania has been adopted by my mind as a defense mechanism to prevent a depressive self-destruction. In essence my brain exchanges one from of destruction for another. Writing these memoirs and daily journaling has revealed my mind’s own self sabotage. Writing present worries and fears for my future self to evaluate is my newest technique in monitoring the cyclical pattern that chases my thoughts to dangerous places.
Putting these fears down on paper makes them less real in my head. Writing out my most intrusive thoughts brings them to life in a way that allows me to disinfect them with sunlight. Killing ideas off before they take root and manifest carnage. A thought on paper is one that no longer needs my brain to house itself in. If ideas are living things (Joe Rogan idea), then putting them in a form others can recognize and decipher takes them from one place and puts them in another. By writing here or in my journal I am purging the ideas that twist me into a maniac.
Rather than expressing that I am currently depressed, it is better for me to believe that I am in a state of mania remission. I am within the lag time it takes one’s mind to catch up to the fact that I am no longer manic. If only my MANIA didn’t have to distil into psychosis I could wield this God given energy to rule the world. Unfortunately, mania always stays longer than it is welcome and seems to have no clear starting point. One doesn’t just wake up one day and know they’re manic. It is a slow build that typically starts with a few nights lacking sleep. Then the ideas begin flowing, which then turn into voices that guide one so afflicted to action.
My manic episodes last for months and have mostly concluded with violent ends.
These violent delights have violent ends. - Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet
Mania is a delight and these spontaneous months are the only periods of time in my twenties that I can remanence on as being happy*. A frame I want to get back in. Sadly now it’s safe to say that if I’m “happy” for more than a few weeks at a time, I need to call my doctor. I see now why during these periods I would turn to marijuana and alcohol to keep up this sensational high as long as possible. For my brain in particular these habits are not sustainable.
This is my pet project that fights my melancholy as I figure out the next direction my life will take. Viewed as self betterment, writing like this furthers my goals and aligns with my values. The lofty goals I have for this project terrify me in that I doubt many, if any, will be achieved. For now, I write for myself as much as I write for you.
Thank you, Mike. I am very familiar with the depressive side of things living with bipolar II. Sometimes even just writing what day it is in my journal can be a struggle but it also helps me be more present. Your words are valuable. Keep writing.