The Ongoing Truths of Bipolar Disorder
A series of "Truths' I've learned best to accept.
As someone diagnosed with bipolar (1) disorder, managing daily life requires a healthy amount of mental gymnastics. Some of these acrobatics can be classified under the practice of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which follows the idea of changing one’s intrusive thoughts to change behavior.
For this series I’ll be exploring successfully countered and replaced intrusive thoughts. Transcribing the thought process regarding a new bipolar belief system that manages my grip on our shared reality. One can not simply quit believing an idea, the idea must be replaced. Mania creates a sponge mentality for new ideas and beliefs to flourish. Ideas that left unchecked may manifest to collapse the world around you.
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, images, impulses, or urges that can occur spontaneously or that can be cued by external/internal stimuli.
Some of these “Truths” might not be necessary true for everyone experiencing the same diagnosis as me. (My red may be your blue.) However, with much feedback from my therapist, doctors, and others inflicted with this condition I’m willing to put some of these meditations out here into the void. My bet is that you or someone you know could generally benefit from reframing thy state of mind.
“Can’t tell me nothing.” -Kayne (I don’t recognize “Ye”)
Bipolar Truth #1: “Free Rein” is an illusion that will never be realized in the manner for which you seek.
MANIC belief: I can achieve any of my goals because I know how to now. I’ll need some help from others to get there, but surely they’ll see the benefits I can provide. Spoiler alert: no they will not.
All I need is…
You're on your own pal. Since coming to terms with my diagnosis I’ve been jealous of those like me who have already escaped the Matrix. If one is successful and then goes crazy*, there is at least a base of wealth and contacts already accumulated.
Here are some of my favorite ideas that crashed and burned while attempting to force them though the atmosphere of reality using sheer willpower:
Idea: I remember pitching my parents my computer animated TV series. The idea was solid, and I still think the concept would work. A decade later I’ve seen types such as Seth Rogan attempt and fail using a similar idea. Point is I had the idea first! But the real point is that it doesn’t matter.
All I need… are a few computer programmers and the legal rights to BBC’s entire “Planet Earth” catalog. Easy peasy. Of course I’ll need a little start up money from you (my parents), then once I have proof of concept I’ll be able to pitch the show to the venture capitalist bros who will bend over backwards to produce it. Bing, bang, boom, done.
I thought for maybe a week about this idea before my parents confronted me on my specific form of crazy. Asking stupid questions like; “What are you going to do for money?” Boy was I happy to share.
Conclusion: Straight to rehab. Both “The Wolverine Experience” and “The Sierra Tucson Saga” occurred directly after.
Idea: I’m starting an LLC for me and my best friend to go into business together! Got the catchy name and license secured, business plan written out, URL domain purchased with the website under construction using Square Space. Went ahead and met with Chase bank and opened up a business account complete with debit card. Trump just got elected and LLC taxes are at the lowest rate they have ever been in my life time, the time to act is now!
All I need is… my best bud (who came up with the damn idea) to go all in with me. I’ve taking care of the leg work over the past few months. Out of work from quitting my sales gig (another great idea), I had time to burn and the ideas were a churning.
“What do you mean our insurance coverage will be over a million dollars?”
“I don’t understand, why wont you quote me on the necessary insurance?”
Conclusion: Best friend of five years ghosted me. Frustration and isolation lead me down the path toward my “Gas Station Fiasco” story. (Yet to be published here). Straight to jail, then to rehab.
Idea: After three years of training on and off six months at a time, I’m ready to make a run for the UFC title. I’m the best there is, hands down. Trained under an acolyte of Anderson “The Spider” Silva who’s telling me I can go the distance. Lets get this party started, heading straight to the top!
Conclusion: Drove down to south Florida for my “There and Back Again” story. (Yet to be published here.) Picked up by the police while wandering the Melbourne streets, I got lucky because they took pity on me and called my parents. Cops took me straight to a treatment facility instead of to jail. Yay!
“Free rein” to me means the ability to do what you want when you want. Otherwise known as having “Fuck you money.”
Here’s my replacement idea:
You’re on your own boss. Control what you can, hope for the best but expect the worst from others.
Amat Victoria Curam “Victory Loves Preparation”
Or as I was taught during my semester of Latin, “The Gods favor the prepared.”
I think on this topic often as I practice whittling down the persons in my life I’m relying on for food, shelter, entertainment, and liquid cash flow. The Roman quote has a similar sentiment to our western “Jesus helps those who help themselves.” While this attitude does seem to help one navigate this treacherous environment we call Earth, this idea regarding Jesus has no basis in biblical scripture. Thanks Dave.
Having the capacity and knowhow is not enough to accomplish your task at hand. We require recourses to get the job done: friends, money, things, stuff, ext.
Therefor recourse management is a skill I actively try to better myself at.
Here is the latest one that worries me…
Idea: I want to be the Keanu Reeves of Bipolar. I want to yell my vulnerabilities from the highest peak and see who answers. I want to go on the Joe Rogan Experience (JRE) podcast and talk bipolar. I want to be famous, Keanu Reeves famous, for being bipolar. Is such a thing even possible? My mind says yes, but the two of us have a tendency to get things like this drastically wrong.
Everything begins with choice. - Morpheus from “The Matrix Reloaded”
Here is the choice I must make…
Acceptance: I was wrong before to state that depressed is the bipolars default state. Looking back on my journals from this year, I’ve been conscious of a steady hypomanic uptick in my mood. Otherwise known as just not being depressed anymore.
Hypomania and mania are periods of over-active and high energy behaviour that can have a significant impact on your day-to-day life. Hypomania is a milder version of mania that typically lasts for a shorter period. This is usually a few days, although the length of time can vary. Mania is a more severe form.
I’m writing in more detail regarding my family’s worries regarding my current mental state of being in my next article titled “S.O.S.” Simply put, right now I’m focusing on my meds and sleep while taking some time away from my day job. Presently on the ropes but still in the game, it is very important that I keep pater familias happy during these upcoming days.
Pater familias: the male head of a household, the father of a family, a man who originates or is a leading figure in something (such as a movement, discipline, or enterprise).
I feel in control, but I have my doubts. Perhaps this will be another truth I write about, “Stay Skeptical of thyself.”
Rejection: I don’t deserve to find joy in my illness. This idea is just crazy and I need to quit this thinking wholesale. Nothing is going to come of this Substack besides some sort of cathartic release of energy from myself to you.
What would it look like to be famous for being mentally ill?
All I need is…
A publisher. Or someone to help me get published so I can write full time. But like I said, I’m trying to think differently during this ongoing “hypomanic” state I find myself in.
Conclusion: You tell me. I don’t try to predict the future anymore.