Pen pals, I’m in! (Well until I’m temporarily not, but you get that 😆.)
I can see you have learned a lot about yourself, Mike. You don’t just live with B, you are a student of it. And the more you learn and adjust the better you are navigating life with it. I’m impressed. I don’t meet many like you. And I totally relate with the fact that just because we are self-aware, doesn’t mean we won’t spiral up or down at any moment. Somehow I see that you are grounded even when you are up or down, high or low. I think you do have roots. Some pretty kick a** strong ones too.💪
It’s hard when those around us fear the very thing that we live with. And whose to blame them, it’s scary and confusing as heck. The thing is I’m not afraid of your B1. Do I want you or anyone else to have to live with it? No. Do I wish I could take it away? Yes. But at the same time, it is the lens through which we see the world. And that lens has seen some of the most brilliant colors and some of the darkest ones. We see ourselves and the world around us differently. Not bad. Different. We go through hell to be able to see and feel like we do. There are others out there who feel invisible and alone. It is worth it for me to be here if one person feels seen and loved.
I used to fear my B2. In fact, I hated it. I wanted to wrestle that diagnosis to the death. But being at war within myself and in hiding for years did me NO favors. As for when I showed my face... funny you should ask bc it didn’t happen all at once. I started a blog going on 5 years ago where in fear and actual trembling I talked about living with depression. Wasn’t ready for the big B yet. And the only photo of myself was a distant side profile of me standing on the beach. That was as close as I was going to let people get. It wasn’t until a year ago that I decided to start my own Substack to tell my Bipolar story with my actual face. Great question. Thank you for asking. ❤️
I think you will know when it is right for you. There is no rush. And if you feel rushed, it’s probably not the right time. For now, that might complicate things for you and keep you from freely writing and sharing. My little piece of advice take it or leave it would be asking yourself, why are you here writing in this space and what is helping you show up to do just that?
Awwww shucks Amy! You've got me over here blushing reading your comment. For me, with as much "in treatment" time I've logged, it's been extremely disappointing to have met hardly anyone out here living with the big B. Of the maybe four I've met only one was relatable. That one definitely pulled me into some tin foil hat theories regarding the nature of our illness. It is pretty weird that Lithium helps me regulate my "mood" and is the same elemental mineral charging the laptop I'm currently writing. But I digress...
I'm here to find those people! And you are evidence that this little project of mine is bearing fruit. I'm also using it as a way to keep those close to me up to date on what's currently going on with "Mike." My family is pretty big and they make up the majority of my subscribers. I'm slowly but surely sending past friends the link in an effort to bring them back into my life. Also if I'm being completely candid, having this Substack is helping a ton with dating. I usually wait until the second date to drop my BP1, but they seem to always notice my natural conversational manor in which I say "Well, I'm actually in school to be a therapist." One thing leads to the other, sending them a link is a lot faster way to weed out whose willing to come along for the ride and who is not.
Most importantly I'm here because I feel a calling to be here. I like to say I've touched the sun with psychosis which (I think always) has a spiritual connection to it. I'm lucky enough to have grown up with the faith so I never caught the "I am Jesus resurrected" bug. But I easily could have and I definitely understand where those people are coming from. Point is, I always feel a spiritual loss when I hit rock bottom depression. It's just sad to think that all of "those moments" were just my brain playing tricks on me, not our father speaking straight with me. I know He is still with me, and there is a lot we can do to help others similar to us.
“It's just sad to think that all of "those moments" were just my brain playing tricks on me, not our father speaking straight with me.”
I had a therapist who described it as my bipolar depression creating a “vacuum of his presence”. It was the absolute worst when it felt like God, faith, joy, my salvation, all things good etc was just out of reach for me. Not others around me. Just me. I never stayed there but when I was there it felt like it would last forever with no way out.
I don’t know if this is like what you experience at all...
S.O.S. received and handled with care. Even as a B2, I relate so much. The deeply vulnerable sharing of our lives. The feeling surrounded, under attack. https://amymcvay.substack.com/p/dearly-bipolar-hospitality. The not knowing where it's going to take you. The family comments. There have been many times I wanted to punch someone in the face if they mentioned a med adjustment or just hand them the shovel and say, go ahead and bury me why don't you. It's true.
You asked a question... "Can things be different this time?" I will offer an observation for what it's worth. Though I don't know the outcome of your current state, you sharing here in this space is something different. You having a place to "house your pressured speech" is doing something for you and others that is good. (Thank you for sharing this about "pressured speech". I never knew it had a name, but I know I've experienced it in my MANIC states.) It seems to me like you have found a creative channel. A new route for what you are experiencing, that maybe you didn't have before..?
I am curious how it has felt for you starting to write and share in this way? Believe me, I know it is not a fix all. At times I find it incredibly painful because I am writing about something I still live with. But I know it is good. It is connection over isolation. Normalcy instead of stigma. For that, I thank you.
Amy you are my favorite B2 pin pal! The thing that's confusing about "pressured speech" is that when I get excited I love talking fast. I've just learned to save the fast talk for other fast talkers. Purposely slowing down or "limiting myself" when necessary. I know that look well people give when taken back by my rate of speech lol. **Deep Breath...Exhale**
Your "med adjustment" comment had me rolling lol. I like where I am now, the meds don't change who we are, they just help by adjusting how we project ourselves in society. What the meds do exactly is a hard point to articulate to everyone else or the normies.
Even now my mother doesn't like who I am as she is trying her damnedest to get things changed. Not that I'm anxious to get back on the million dollar injectables, I know I'll still feel "smooth" if we go back that path, its just always something with them. I'll never be the person they have in their heads that I should be. It's exhausting having so many people to please.
I'll still be who I am now as long as my world doesn't collapse around me leading back down the dark road of depression. This Substack is helping in many ways, as we both know its cathartic to write and even better to have someone such as yourself comment! Means the world to me. What's nice for me right now is that most of my extended family is subbed here, so its cool to keep them in the loop on what's going on. (For better or worse.) See y'all May 6th!
Question for you Amy,
When did you decide to "go public" or put your (pretty) face on your Substack? My mom thinks I should do it now, but I feel like if that was the case it wouldn't be prudent to put my family and/or the powers that be on blast like I kinda did with the piece. I worry about embarrassing them, and until I get "F-YOU MONEY' I'm more comfortable in hiding. I look forward to that day I can "come out" I just don't know quite how to get there...yet. -Cheers!
Pen pals, I’m in! (Well until I’m temporarily not, but you get that 😆.)
I can see you have learned a lot about yourself, Mike. You don’t just live with B, you are a student of it. And the more you learn and adjust the better you are navigating life with it. I’m impressed. I don’t meet many like you. And I totally relate with the fact that just because we are self-aware, doesn’t mean we won’t spiral up or down at any moment. Somehow I see that you are grounded even when you are up or down, high or low. I think you do have roots. Some pretty kick a** strong ones too.💪
It’s hard when those around us fear the very thing that we live with. And whose to blame them, it’s scary and confusing as heck. The thing is I’m not afraid of your B1. Do I want you or anyone else to have to live with it? No. Do I wish I could take it away? Yes. But at the same time, it is the lens through which we see the world. And that lens has seen some of the most brilliant colors and some of the darkest ones. We see ourselves and the world around us differently. Not bad. Different. We go through hell to be able to see and feel like we do. There are others out there who feel invisible and alone. It is worth it for me to be here if one person feels seen and loved.
I used to fear my B2. In fact, I hated it. I wanted to wrestle that diagnosis to the death. But being at war within myself and in hiding for years did me NO favors. As for when I showed my face... funny you should ask bc it didn’t happen all at once. I started a blog going on 5 years ago where in fear and actual trembling I talked about living with depression. Wasn’t ready for the big B yet. And the only photo of myself was a distant side profile of me standing on the beach. That was as close as I was going to let people get. It wasn’t until a year ago that I decided to start my own Substack to tell my Bipolar story with my actual face. Great question. Thank you for asking. ❤️
I think you will know when it is right for you. There is no rush. And if you feel rushed, it’s probably not the right time. For now, that might complicate things for you and keep you from freely writing and sharing. My little piece of advice take it or leave it would be asking yourself, why are you here writing in this space and what is helping you show up to do just that?
Cheering for you!
❤️, Amy
Awwww shucks Amy! You've got me over here blushing reading your comment. For me, with as much "in treatment" time I've logged, it's been extremely disappointing to have met hardly anyone out here living with the big B. Of the maybe four I've met only one was relatable. That one definitely pulled me into some tin foil hat theories regarding the nature of our illness. It is pretty weird that Lithium helps me regulate my "mood" and is the same elemental mineral charging the laptop I'm currently writing. But I digress...
I'm here to find those people! And you are evidence that this little project of mine is bearing fruit. I'm also using it as a way to keep those close to me up to date on what's currently going on with "Mike." My family is pretty big and they make up the majority of my subscribers. I'm slowly but surely sending past friends the link in an effort to bring them back into my life. Also if I'm being completely candid, having this Substack is helping a ton with dating. I usually wait until the second date to drop my BP1, but they seem to always notice my natural conversational manor in which I say "Well, I'm actually in school to be a therapist." One thing leads to the other, sending them a link is a lot faster way to weed out whose willing to come along for the ride and who is not.
Most importantly I'm here because I feel a calling to be here. I like to say I've touched the sun with psychosis which (I think always) has a spiritual connection to it. I'm lucky enough to have grown up with the faith so I never caught the "I am Jesus resurrected" bug. But I easily could have and I definitely understand where those people are coming from. Point is, I always feel a spiritual loss when I hit rock bottom depression. It's just sad to think that all of "those moments" were just my brain playing tricks on me, not our father speaking straight with me. I know He is still with me, and there is a lot we can do to help others similar to us.
“It's just sad to think that all of "those moments" were just my brain playing tricks on me, not our father speaking straight with me.”
I had a therapist who described it as my bipolar depression creating a “vacuum of his presence”. It was the absolute worst when it felt like God, faith, joy, my salvation, all things good etc was just out of reach for me. Not others around me. Just me. I never stayed there but when I was there it felt like it would last forever with no way out.
I don’t know if this is like what you experience at all...
S.O.S. received and handled with care. Even as a B2, I relate so much. The deeply vulnerable sharing of our lives. The feeling surrounded, under attack. https://amymcvay.substack.com/p/dearly-bipolar-hospitality. The not knowing where it's going to take you. The family comments. There have been many times I wanted to punch someone in the face if they mentioned a med adjustment or just hand them the shovel and say, go ahead and bury me why don't you. It's true.
You asked a question... "Can things be different this time?" I will offer an observation for what it's worth. Though I don't know the outcome of your current state, you sharing here in this space is something different. You having a place to "house your pressured speech" is doing something for you and others that is good. (Thank you for sharing this about "pressured speech". I never knew it had a name, but I know I've experienced it in my MANIC states.) It seems to me like you have found a creative channel. A new route for what you are experiencing, that maybe you didn't have before..?
I am curious how it has felt for you starting to write and share in this way? Believe me, I know it is not a fix all. At times I find it incredibly painful because I am writing about something I still live with. But I know it is good. It is connection over isolation. Normalcy instead of stigma. For that, I thank you.
This came to mind after I read your post. https://amymcvay.com/2021/12/24/fragile/
Read or not, whatever is good for you. Just hope you know someone else is out there.
With you,
Amy
Amy you are my favorite B2 pin pal! The thing that's confusing about "pressured speech" is that when I get excited I love talking fast. I've just learned to save the fast talk for other fast talkers. Purposely slowing down or "limiting myself" when necessary. I know that look well people give when taken back by my rate of speech lol. **Deep Breath...Exhale**
Your "med adjustment" comment had me rolling lol. I like where I am now, the meds don't change who we are, they just help by adjusting how we project ourselves in society. What the meds do exactly is a hard point to articulate to everyone else or the normies.
Even now my mother doesn't like who I am as she is trying her damnedest to get things changed. Not that I'm anxious to get back on the million dollar injectables, I know I'll still feel "smooth" if we go back that path, its just always something with them. I'll never be the person they have in their heads that I should be. It's exhausting having so many people to please.
I'll still be who I am now as long as my world doesn't collapse around me leading back down the dark road of depression. This Substack is helping in many ways, as we both know its cathartic to write and even better to have someone such as yourself comment! Means the world to me. What's nice for me right now is that most of my extended family is subbed here, so its cool to keep them in the loop on what's going on. (For better or worse.) See y'all May 6th!
Question for you Amy,
When did you decide to "go public" or put your (pretty) face on your Substack? My mom thinks I should do it now, but I feel like if that was the case it wouldn't be prudent to put my family and/or the powers that be on blast like I kinda did with the piece. I worry about embarrassing them, and until I get "F-YOU MONEY' I'm more comfortable in hiding. I look forward to that day I can "come out" I just don't know quite how to get there...yet. -Cheers!