5 Comments

Pen pals, I’m in! (Well until I’m temporarily not, but you get that 😆.)

I can see you have learned a lot about yourself, Mike. You don’t just live with B, you are a student of it. And the more you learn and adjust the better you are navigating life with it. I’m impressed. I don’t meet many like you. And I totally relate with the fact that just because we are self-aware, doesn’t mean we won’t spiral up or down at any moment. Somehow I see that you are grounded even when you are up or down, high or low. I think you do have roots. Some pretty kick a** strong ones too.💪

It’s hard when those around us fear the very thing that we live with. And whose to blame them, it’s scary and confusing as heck. The thing is I’m not afraid of your B1. Do I want you or anyone else to have to live with it? No. Do I wish I could take it away? Yes. But at the same time, it is the lens through which we see the world. And that lens has seen some of the most brilliant colors and some of the darkest ones. We see ourselves and the world around us differently. Not bad. Different. We go through hell to be able to see and feel like we do. There are others out there who feel invisible and alone. It is worth it for me to be here if one person feels seen and loved.

I used to fear my B2. In fact, I hated it. I wanted to wrestle that diagnosis to the death. But being at war within myself and in hiding for years did me NO favors. As for when I showed my face... funny you should ask bc it didn’t happen all at once. I started a blog going on 5 years ago where in fear and actual trembling I talked about living with depression. Wasn’t ready for the big B yet. And the only photo of myself was a distant side profile of me standing on the beach. That was as close as I was going to let people get. It wasn’t until a year ago that I decided to start my own Substack to tell my Bipolar story with my actual face. Great question. Thank you for asking. ❤️

I think you will know when it is right for you. There is no rush. And if you feel rushed, it’s probably not the right time. For now, that might complicate things for you and keep you from freely writing and sharing. My little piece of advice take it or leave it would be asking yourself, why are you here writing in this space and what is helping you show up to do just that?

Cheering for you!

❤️, Amy

Expand full comment

S.O.S. received and handled with care. Even as a B2, I relate so much. The deeply vulnerable sharing of our lives. The feeling surrounded, under attack. https://amymcvay.substack.com/p/dearly-bipolar-hospitality. The not knowing where it's going to take you. The family comments. There have been many times I wanted to punch someone in the face if they mentioned a med adjustment or just hand them the shovel and say, go ahead and bury me why don't you. It's true.

You asked a question... "Can things be different this time?" I will offer an observation for what it's worth. Though I don't know the outcome of your current state, you sharing here in this space is something different. You having a place to "house your pressured speech" is doing something for you and others that is good. (Thank you for sharing this about "pressured speech". I never knew it had a name, but I know I've experienced it in my MANIC states.) It seems to me like you have found a creative channel. A new route for what you are experiencing, that maybe you didn't have before..?

I am curious how it has felt for you starting to write and share in this way? Believe me, I know it is not a fix all. At times I find it incredibly painful because I am writing about something I still live with. But I know it is good. It is connection over isolation. Normalcy instead of stigma. For that, I thank you.

This came to mind after I read your post. https://amymcvay.com/2021/12/24/fragile/

Read or not, whatever is good for you. Just hope you know someone else is out there.

With you,

Amy

Expand full comment